Constable Benson, Constable Henderson, Constable Phipps, Constable ffoulkes, Constable Drat, Constable Murder, Constable Bristle, Constable Thistle, Constable Runcible, Constable Dunstable, Constable Digby, Constable Smith, Constable Gunga Ram Alec Singh and Constable Neptune

a Something item by J Nash (Sunday December 26th, 2010)

Some time ago (about 23 of your humang months ago) I, wee but wiry J Nash, had the considerable delight of being tangentially associated with the singular but rippling MR MILLINGTON, the magnificently bearded MR D MAGGS and the rugged yet saucy MR MAGGS TROUPE in THE ADVENTURES OF SEXTON BLAKE, STARRING FAMOUS WONDER THROATS.

Astoundingly, the resulting baffling roar of thrills and intrigue(tm) was broadcast on Radio 2, possibly because of a contractual misunderstanding. (They probably expected the Western Brothers, or other Radio Fun stars as featured on the Light Programme.)

As far as I know, S Blake remains one of the only four or five Beeb programmes to feature an actress entering labour during rehearsal, plus an actor appearing who is clinically dead. To this I attempted to add, “Also, one of the writers was mystifyingly killed in July with a snow plough,” but MR MILLINGTON obstinately leapt for the kerb.

Now, later, with the initial startled publicity having diminished to the point where MR MILLINGTON cannot even command an appearance in his local news-paper The Wolverhampton Rubbish by hurling his naughty torso repeatedly in front of a snow plough, I consider it acceptable to release to you, the pretty public, an mp3 of the first episode as heard all that time ago by nearly persons.

(The complete serial comprises six episodes, which were expertly chopped to the allotted fifteen minutes each by MR MAGGS’ skilful ear and powerful chin-carpet to make ninety minutes of noisy wonder. By comparison, the CD version gallops a considerable distance past two hours, or approximately four-tenths as long again, with bonuses such as the nearly plot. For example there’s another six minutes of the first ep, including the line, “Argh, me differentials.”)

Should you enjoy the ep, you can purchase the compleat (complete) adventure (adventure) from Perf Norm (also individually by episode if you are a Caledonian) or as a “compacted-discular-device” via Play McCom, a shopkeep. We receive royalties from neither, on account of misreading the legalese (the old “royal teas” ploy), but shall ruffle the hair of anyone who spots all 177 “references” (ie, sources from which we stole the jokes) (ie, I stole the jokes).

BBC Radio 2 declined to present a second series but, y’know, I’ve been on the Beeb. They must have been so drunk.

Download ep 1 (broadcast version, 17mb).

(The “constables” gag does not appear until episode 3. Sorry.) (Except not that much.)