Toothbrush

a B Page item by J Nash (Tuesday November 3rd, 2009)

JN says...JN saysNB: Toothbrush is currently a bit wonky in Narrow and Tiny views. Use Norm instead.

A Back Page from PC Gamer, this one brazenly ripping off R Bruce Moody’s Birdbath column of astrally ridiculous gossip from the mid-70s-era comical humour funazine National Lampoon. (I’ll have to write something about Nat Lamp at some point. It’s spesh.)

BONUS CONTENTS! This is the original version; Mark The Ed didn’t like associating real people with commonplace murderings, so invited me to change certain elements rather than have them subbed in the office. (Cunningly, the B Page was solicited anything up to six weeks early, anticipating hiccups, usually the Art Ed having to be wrestled away from a projectable stone or knout.) You can see the applicable items as printed by pointing to my pretty face.

(Also, by coincidence at this time PCG’s publishers were insisting all pictures be properly licensed across the company but had forgotten to bother giving the editors a budget to do so. I recommended the hasty lunch-hour camera-snap alternatives of (a) a blurry crowd scene with an arrow pointing at a random figure; (b) one of Bath’s attractive windows with a hand waving out of it; and (c) a shopping trolley by some bins. Today, of course, thanks to THNTRNTeiee I can easily reinstate the spirit of the original stock photographs free of charge with a celeb-snapper’s S Connery-y generosity and, er, cripes, is that the time?)

JN says...JN saysNewsfield to publish fictional game guides!!! Company wigged-big Lloyd Mangram contends that the kiddies who consume the tawdry volumes do so only for the presexual thrill of being first at something, so the content is irrelevant to the ownership. Toothbrush shadowed Lloyd and his chaps to Aspen and obtained the full details by stowing away on their luge. The new, lavishly priced books will cover games that won’t exist for years, if at all, and costs will be saved by printing every volume blank, except for the legend “Notes” at the top of each of the 96 pages. Tomb Raider 20 will be first, to be followed half-an-hour later by Baldur’s Gate 5,015. Gowns by Delaney. -> Prima to publish fictional game guides!!! Company wigged-bigs the Frey Brothers, Franco and Bentos, contend that the kiddies who consume the tawdry volumes do so only for the presexual thrill of being first at something, so the content is irrelevant to the ownership. Toothbrush shadowed the brothers to Aspen and obtained the full details by stowing away on their luge. The new, lavishly priced books will cover games that won’t exist for years, if at all, and costs will be saved by printing every volume blank, except for the legend “Notes” at the top of each of the 96 pages. Tomb Raider 20 will be first, to be followed half-an-hour later by Baldur’s Gate 5,015. Gowns by Delaney.

-> John Carmack is pregnant!!!

JN says...JN saysPeter Molyneux has ignited the skies!!! The cadaverous crusader launched his phlogiston rocket this very a.m. after Shigs Miyamoto blew up a submarine with a seaquake in the latest round of competitive pranks marking their light-hearted rivalry that has left 357,002 people dead across five continents. “It helps me to relax, and the eventual winner is bought a large cake,” Peter confides to friends at an exclusive party held beneath the Thames, “and achieves dominion over the elements.” Toothbrush favourite Cryo Games attempted to join in the fun by attacking a cloud with a golf club but retired with dislocations, so I suppose we’re backing Britain all the way. Music by The Tremeloes. -> Peter Molyneux has killed again!!! The cadaverous crusader maintains it helps him to relax. “I cut back to hoying breezeblocks off motorway flyovers during the making of Black & White,” he confides to friends at an exclusive party held beneath the Thames, “and look what happened there.” Peter’s score to date is 17 shovel bludgeonings and a bus fire, so there’s a way to go before toppling Shigs Miyamoto’s all-time record of 138 stabbings and a jimmied gas-stove. Toothbrush favourite Cryo Games managed to inflict only minor dislocations on a shop queue before accidentally choking themselves with a golf club, so I suppose we’re backing Britain all the way.

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JN says...JN saysEternally dapper Peter Molyneux enjoying a joke with friends, some of whom he will shortly gas. Eternally dapper Peter Molyneux enjoying a joke with friends, some of whom he will shortly kill. Photo by Alan Light

-> The Pope has blessed all PCs!!! His Holiness, tethered in his official balloon and bobbing around the lip of the Vatican chimney doctors have advised him to practise wafting up, gave the blessing in twelve languages at a secret ceremony Thursday last. Now that

computer viruses have been classed as life forms, the Pope’s tickled pinker than a cherub’s knee with the PC’s record in propagating the species. Hot on the heels of the mystical thumbs-up comes a proclamation that using AV is a mortal sin and Peter Norton is to be burned soonest for longest. Stop by for a Shirley Temple on your way out, Petey; we’ve heaps to catch up on and you can borrow Toothbrush’s soothing ice-mask to quell those unbecoming worry lines.

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Lovely The Pope, spent but satisfied with his latest draft of Ut Unum Sint. Working Title have already pounced on the film rights. Photo by TT Embassy

-> Demis Hassabis is still offering a small prize to anyone who can find the game in Republic The Revolution!!!

-> Famous actors have formed a voiceover and motion capture studio!!! For a modest fee blushing hotly and circling its toe in the sand, game producers can hire grand old thesps like Nerys Hughes, Derek Griffiths, Bill Maynard and Christopher Biggins to act the lines and live the action. “Who could resist Melvyn Hayes reading the part of the squad sergeant, and in the big siege scene the squad sergeant somersaults just like Melvyn Hayes too?” asks Action Actors co-founder Lee Majors, shuddering Toothbrush with his clumping alliteration. Who indeed? Co-other-founder and cut-scene hot-ticket Deryck Guyler is dead, but remains on the roster as they’re bringing in Ray Harryhausen to animate him for the motion capture part. “We’re doing the same for Peter Ustinov,” explained The Ray Harryhauser when Toothbrush collided with him in the municipal baths, “but he’s too podgy for the armature, so I’ll be animating Jim Henson to puppeteer him with sticks.” You’ve convinced me, Ray, I’m already tapping my broker. Now paddle away with your bothersome wake, Toothbrush has a dozen lengths to doggy.

-> Do we hear wedding bells ringing for Roberta Williams?!?!?! No.

-> John Romero has opened a restaurant!!! The maverick marvel-locks Bunter lookalike, supposedly hard at work on his new FPS epic Omi Paloni, has exchanged the keyboard for the chopping board, though he has purchased other utensils as well. Customers of the little out-of-the-way bistro, Scough, which one reaches via a manhole cover in the middle of one of Palermo’s busiest roads, can order from an illiterate menu of Romero’s own culinary visitations. They wait unserved for as long as it takes to lose their tempers, at which point the lad himself storms from the kitchen with his magnificent tresses in a net and pours a gravy-boat of his own blood over their heads, screaming is that what they want from him? IS IT??? The whole experience is quite nauseating.

-> The assistant translator, menu department, of Warcraft III, and the second assistant algorithm tuner, vehicle physics and driver AI, of Halo 2, are a couple!!! I forget their names.

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Glittering with a chic even Toothbrush can’t match, Stevie “Kilcreek” Case drops into Benjamin’s with an Oliver Twin on each arm. Photo by Reginald Ealing

-> Which alcoholic tax cheat programmer ran over which drug addict graphic artist in whose uninsured burning car while which cannibal project manager left which hook hand in what side door, and how much hush money was extorted from the undeclared slavery income of which war criminal level designer to pay them off? Look for the answer in the next edition of this column!

L. Benson Henderson