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a Something item by J Nash (Thursday April 22nd, 2010)

FLOATING DOWN THE RIVER
Perplexing adaptation of JK Jerome’s brilliant Three Men in a Boat from the perspective of the dead dog that washes up in the reeds beside their overnight mooring in chapter 13. Johnny Vegas improvises in voiceover as the serene transient hound.

WITH A SATURATED LIVER
Inspiring biopic exemplifying the American Dream. Young George W Bush (Gary Busey) sets out to prove that by relying on nothing more than the sheer hard work of a millionaire dynasty any drunk-driver can grow up to be an international war criminal.

AND I WISH I COULD
Lars von Trier’s pitilessly dispiriting children’s cartoon in which an unfixably bedridden duck stares through the camera in a single pulsingly static close-up and yearningly lists in a featureless monotone the many things of which he is now physically incapable. With Ben Stein as the duck and animation in alternating frames by Bob Godfrey and David Daniels.

FORGIVE HER BUT I DO
Complexly plotted mediaeval-set thriller. A detective priest (Ray Winstone) investigates a series of baffling murders appearing to stretch back hundreds of years, discovers the culprit is the enigmatic nun (Margaret Rutherford) with whom he’s fallen in love and who’s really a disillusioned angel patterning her kills after the Book of Chronicles, then renounces his faith and marries her to shield her from prosecution.

BELIEVE SHE MEANT IT
Festival reissue of the uncategorisable Shirley Temple musical box-office disaster. Indulgent parents John Barrymore and Una O’Connor find their unpleasant child (Temple) has held her breath until she’s turned blue.

WHEN SHE TOLD ME TO FORGET IT
Relentlessly stylised allegorical fable in which an isolated writer (Moore Marriott and Clive Dunn) is constantly interrupted when the veiled face of a shadowy figure (Lupe Vélez) appears in the wallpaper and commands him hypnotically to break his train of thought. In the iconic climax, the spectrally hindered author hysterically paints over the walls with a tin of Henderson’s Lead-Fortified Gleaming Whitewash and escapes the spell, only for his uninhibitedly rapid penmanship to set the manuscript alight by scribbly friction and the burning house to accidentally signal the Soloheadbeg Ambush.

AND I BET SHE WILL REGRET IT WHEN THEY FIND ME
Award-winning documentary about the rarefied sport of Vengeful Self-Loathing Break-Up Extreme Hide and Seek.

IN THE MORNING WET
Paralysingly shocking music video compilation of the Helga Melons/Punchy Massive side project Helga & Punchy Do Hymns with a soundtrack by the rigorously misinformed Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

AND DROWNED AND THE WORD GETS ROUND
Second sequel to the harrowingly misconceived reimagining of perennial educational favourite Look and Read. When his friend and methamphetamine dealer Brickie (Derek Griffiths) quarrels with drunken squaddies and is left to die face-down unconscious in a puddle, disturbed Falklands veteran The Word (Paddy Considine) abandons his new life as a substitute schoolteacher and takes to the street with his trademark letter-embossed wool cap and Magic E to turn his hat into hate and the corps into corpses.

See also: The Weekly’s This is Kinema Weekly.