152 Things To Buy Your PC

a B Page item by J Nash (Monday March 8th, 2010)

JN says...JN saysFor PC Gamer, via one of my favourite The Weekly features, Further Excellent Purchases, inspired by Nat Lamp article More Great Stuff to Buy! which was a list of roughly a hundred desirable items exactly filling a whole page. Nat Lamp's design was neatly in three columns, which I faithfully nicked for FE Purchases, but 152 Things was presented as the single slab of text you see here in very small print with a page-spanning title running vertically up the left edge, both to fit PCG's layout and for the attractive purpose of pummelling the reader with sheer density.

I was going to say you can date this B Page by the things that subsequently came out, but as it's impossible to tell PC games apart the clearest point of reference is the Goldeneye bit.

Brian Cant -- The Flight Sim • 640K • The John Halas And Joy Bachelor Joy And Bachelor Pad • Self-Harming Teen RPG: The Director's Cut • Wolfenstein Again • Mighty Mighty Bosstones -- The Step-Down Power Supply Unit • Review Scores • The Unauthorised Must-Have For All Terry-Thomas, 2000AD, Freeware RPG, Punk, Shoe, Blusher, Belgium And Star Wars Fans: Rogue Rogue Rogue Rogue Pogue Brogue Rouge Bruge Squadron 3 • Analogue Digits • Countess Strike, The Multi-Player Game Of Formal 18th Century Palatial Wife-Beating • Is It Time For Another £200 Graphics Card In Order To Squeak Ahead Sneeringly Of Console Owners Yet? It Is? Go On Then, Plus Another £35 Version Of BBC Type-In Game Kingdom To Play On It • Anything By Microsoft, With 50,000 Viruses Thrown In For Free • A Glimpse Of Harsh Reality In The Mirror Monitor 9000 • Official Frank Thornton Mousepad, Featuring A Large Portrait Photograph Of Thornton Which Emits An Unsettling Nasal Cry Of Alarm When You Rub The Mouse-Ball Over His Eye • Black & White & Red All Over • The Pointy-Squinty • A Humming Spot-Welded Box You're Fairly Sure Does Something Quite Important • Anne Frank -- The Modem • Ms PC: Stick-On Lips And A Comely Bikini • Interactive Movie Masterpiece Collection, Vol 1: John Rhys-Davies • Special Circuits • An Emergency Hammer • Tron 2.1 -- The Patch • An Uneasy Sense That This Is All There Is • Bare Copper Wiring -- For Men • Alien vs Predator vs Kendo Nagasaki • A Nutrient Drip So You Needn't Bother Trying To Unpick The Saggy Flesh Of Your Spreading Back From The Tendril Weave Of Your Greasy Chair • Duke Nukem Fivever • A Pugnaciously Open Proxy • The Flip-Down Headset Mike You Know You Deserve • Diminishing Return To Monkey Island • Ironicons • Sexually Explicit Error Messages • Halo 2, In 18 Months' Time • Lord Of The Rings: Bilbo's Burrow: The Housekeeping Budget Simulator • Roberta Williams' Chilling Scrabble • Professional Gamer's Keyboard: Nothing But W, S, A And D In Primary Colours For Portly Fingers • Wallpaper Displaying Bill Gates' Contempt For You • Indiana Jones And The Please Insert Disk Eight • Disney's Manhunt • The Soldering And Clothes Iron • Baldur's Gate II: Wizard War: System Folder: Extensions: Text Encoding Converter • Qu4ke: Qufourke • Douglas Bader's Dance Dance Revolution • Let's Learn About Manufacturer Liability! • Scooby-Doo In The Castle Mystery • George Eliot -- The BIOS • Staggeringly Inflammatory Medal Of Honour Mission Packs (The Sound Of Music, Flashback At The Grandchildren's Fairground Treat, You Are Reinhard Heydrich, Etc) • 600 Rubbishy Stickers • GTA UK: The Shoplifting, Dodgy Car Boot Sale, Noise Nuisance And Drunken Fistfight Simulator • A Padlock To Prevent Theft Of Your Cherished Falsified-Pornography C: Drive • The Swiftsolve Blunderbuss • Diablo IV: Chinese Juggler • Immediately Required Hardware Upgrade That Will Halve In Price By Tuesday • John Carmack Stiffly Narrating His Holiday Slides Using A Carousel Projector, aka Doom 3 • The Nagging Sense Of Purposelessness-Quelling Minutes O' Fun • A Year's Subscription To Your Favourite Magazine Which You Let Lapse, Then Subscribe Anew, Thus Obtaining Multiple Free Gifts • MAIM, The Arcade Emulator With Bigger Boys Hanging Around • Rats' Nest Of Cables Rat King • Will Hay, Moore Marriott & Graham Moffat -- The 13 Amp Fuse • £250 100% Accurate Cry For Help Military Spec Flight Sim Joystick • MP3 Complete Works Of Shakespeare Read By Dame Edith Evans And Dickie Davies • Little Cheek Cups To Catch Your Salty Tears • Look, It's In My Lap! Thrill-Enhancing 3D Glasses And Exploding Cathode-Ray Tube • Which One's This Again? -- The Vietnam FPS Boxset • The Year's 50 Best Conversations In MMORPGs Featuring Misremembered Old Children's Television Programmes And Inexpertly Swearing Americans Inevitably Aged 14 • The Schindler's List/Franz Liszt Shopping List Assistant • Crash Bang Wallop, It's A Trackpad • The On/Off/Invigoratingly Temperamental Power Switch • Disquietingly Freudian Motherboards • My First £3,000 Games Machine • Ron Moody -- The Heatsink • 100 Best Passwords • Home Accounts, Historical Encyclopaedia And Personal Teacher: The Parentally Approved Fictions Of PC Ownership • Battle Of The Bulge: The Battle • Stupefyingly Cacophonous Cooling Fans • Something Vigour-Dispersingly Terrible By EA • SETI: Celebrity Nudity Edition • Thief IV: The Asset-Stripping • Soundcards: The Colouring Book • Argonaut's Jason And The Argonauts • The A3 And Police Scanner • The Static-Grounded Garrotte • Lionel Stander's Desktop Theme, Vol 4 • J Nash's Credit • A James Bond Game Still Not One-Twelfth As Good As Goldeneye Ten Years On • The Walkie-Talkie Torquey-Storky Communication Screwdriver For Midwives • I'm No Hobbyist, My Primary Income Is Selling RPG Characters On Ebay! T-Shirt • Anti-Norton's Virus • Low-Energy CPU For Low-Interest Games • Snuggle-Up, The Wilfully Irresponsible Ventilation Slot Blanket • Astoundingly Piercing LEDs • Real-Time Sterility Indicator • Fungal Jungle Time-Saving Pre-Mouldy Casing • Sims: Old Testament God Edition • Actual Spyware That Turns Into A Speedboat • A Pinnacle Chip • Ultimate Retro: The PC-DOS Hoop And Stick Emulator • The Region-Free Mouse • US Cinema Experience Sound: Automatically Dubbed-On Whooping, Colloquial Advice To NPCs And Lengthy Cellphone Conversations • A Half-Life Mod To Make It Good • Perplexingly, Snobbery Towards D&D Players • Two Ronnies -- The RTS • Minimise Exertion With The Wheeze-Activated Keyboard • Anyplay 3000: The CD Laser That Can Split A Flagstone • Shockproof Crushproof Shocky Crushing Thing • Shaming Remakes • The Picts And Celts: An Epic Multimedia Exploration Of These Proud Island Peoples' Thousand-Year Histories, Their Culture And Achievements With Your Virtual Hosts Jings McSporran And Evans The Coal • Inadequately Wiped Hard Disks Of The Rich And Famous • 51 Further PCs, Playing Card Wallpaper And Some Giants • The Socket And Emotional Wrench • The Box Of Iron Filings Of Damocles • Novelty Legally Binding Shrink-Wrap Licences • The DVD And Tenor Recorder • PC-Operated Fire Engine • Babiez! • A Plug-In Wurlitzer • Scraps Of Dignity • Second Monitor So You Can Glance Over Your Shoulder And Catch The Little Pixel People Moving • I Can't Believe It's Not Bungled! • An Incredible Career In Computer Games • Not Actually That Far Beyond Good And Evil • The Inventor Of The Registry's Head On A Pike • Briefly Amusing Vertical Hold Adjustment Dial • It Happened Here -- Complacency And Complicity In AJP Taylor's Sobering Examination Of The Blair Witch Project Games • The Self-Justifier • Half-Life 2: Electric Boogaloo • Escape Censure With Blamey Ben, The Inflatable Culprit • A Free PC Gamer Lapdance If You Ring The Office And Give Them The Secret Code G5R9L4T3 • I'm Your PC's Inner Child! • Honest-E, The CD Protection Scheme That Seizes Your Money, Gobs Down Your Shirt, Kicks You In The Groin And Flings You Contemptuously From The Shop • An Inexplicably 17.5mb Game Of Draughts • World's Costliest Licences! • A Pitilessly Miserable Skynet Central Computer Logo • Clive Barker's Undoing • Man's Best Friend, The Portable PC Kit (Including Spindly Pneumatic Legs, Integral Enzyme Chamber, Clutching Grips, Rudimentary Pattern Recognition And Carbon Dioxide Laser) • Wow! It's Statistics About Frame Rates! • Flashing Red Screensaver, Klaxon And False Wall Plug Set For Enlivening Ministry Of Defence Workstations • Saucy Premium-Rate Authentication Lines • Ragged Nitrate Prints Of Hilarious Undercranked Silent Movies Set To Brightly Energetic Piano Music Showing Outmodedly Dressed People Installing DirectX1 • PC Ringu, Where Sadako Just Repeatedly Crashes And Gives Up • Maximise Your Enjoyment Efficiency With Henderson's Eyelid-Away • Isn't This The Game You Bought Last Year, Except Slightly Slower? • Unnerve Your Chums With A Personalised Startup Greeting Dedicatedly Assembled From Sampled Phonemes Of Alyson Hannigan • Loading, Please Wait: The Exhibition • Virtual Altarboy • Warcraft Arts & Crafts Hovercraft • Webcameraphone, The Fun Way To Snap Friends Positioned Within Range Of Your PC • American McGee's Sokoban • The Decade In Quicksaves • Anything To Hasten The Death Of The Format • The CD And Whist Drive • Acceptable Wine And An Engagement Ring

See also: The Weekly's Further Excellent Purchases.

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