a B Page item by J Nash (Monday January 18th, 2010)
– Initial release.
– Cross-compiled library fix for OpenGL cards so sub-surface vertex shader no longer ignores tidal flux on goldfish bowl if Return to Pagoda level played at midnight.
– Player can now move left.
– Inclusion of mod kit fosters important community spirit of paying to finish someone else’s work.
– Extreme Noise Terror replaced by Flanders & Swann.
– Quitting game no longer despoils orange juice in refrigerator.
– Ghost trap can now be laid on road.
– Translation errors corrected: “Lightening” > “Lightning” (26 instances); “Goading fees straight” > “Loading, Please Wait” (753 instances); “Good lord! So Colonel Threpple was the murderer all along. Thanks, Inspector. THE END” > “Good lord! So Doctor Nesulin was the murderer all along. Thanks, Inspector. THE END” (1 instance); “It’s” > “Its” (111,013 instances).
– Evangelical petition to credit inspiration and guidance for game’s creation to a wispy Intelligent Designer withdrawn after release of Sewer level.
– Holding down Jump key no longer causes car to jump uninterruptably for entire length of game to finish line.
– Sony-accredited copy protection updated. Click the file TRUE_REAL_NUDE_LADIES.jpg.jpg.jpg.pif to install.
– Switch to Microsoft version numbering.
– Player can now move backwards.
– Kfblm nr%%%% changm.k. lll.
– Switch from Microsoft version numbering.
– Menu option changed to “Monthly subscription” from “Soak the squealing dimbo piggies.”
– Bump-mapping added to bumps and maps.
– Fifty-six unique and individual weapons reduced to double-barrelled shotgun and rocket launcher.
– Undead mount no longer makes rider undead.
– In response to 217,002 e-mails from the Former Colony, quicksave added. Save games are 14.9gb each. Save games do nothing.
– Lens flare added to manual.
– Major new land added: the Flat Abandoned Desert of Vasty Breadth. Dwarven rumour has it that some of the grains of sand may really be gold.
– PATCH PACK. Main exe updated to v1.01. Tiles updated to v1.001. Skins updated to v0.101. Version history updated to v1.10. DO NOT APPLY PATCH PACK.
– Richard II upgraded to Richard III.
– Mod for faulty default LAN webcam podule module forces film-feel fill to Felt.
– Player character now has second arm, so can do two things at the same time. (Patent pending.)
– MAJOR SOUND UPGRADE. “Whooooosh!” corrected to “Whoooooosh!”; doors open with “Thwispk” not “Aieee!”; terminal confirmation beeps twice rather than saying, “Okay, that’s enough for tonight. Switch off the mike. Must remember to pick up more orange juice on the way home. What? No, leave it for the morning. Anyone seen Doz? He’s gone already? Typical. Right. Okay, bye. Bye. Tch, nearly forgot my keys. Okay. Bye”; the battlecruiser does not moo; ricochets, footsteps and radio station mp3s have been swapped appropriately.
– Leslie Phillips removed.
– First man now opens inescapable cable-car rather than dropping dead at door.
– Sexton Blake wins.
– Switch to DirectX10 minimises haunting sensation of inexpressible hollowness.
– Hobbits replaced by ambitious hip-hop gang.
– INPUT a$ corrected to INPUT b$.
– SPECIAL NOTICE FOR PLAYERS OF ARMADA SQUADRON: COMMANDBLAST KNIGHTSTAR, CHAPTER 3. You have purchased the wrong game. This is Squadron Commander: Armada Knights of the Starblast Chapter, Part 3.
– Palette updated from gunmetal grey to battleship grey.
– Kanji replaced with katakana.
– Billowing mechano-organic steam pipes can now be placed on both sides of a corridor.
– New season hairstyles.
– Ragdoll physics added to manual.
– Ladder jump trick no longer wraps vertically to princess.
– Version history readme SDK released.
– PDF sticker for correcting box blurb (“‘This owns!’ – T Schafer” to “Disowned by T Schafer”).
– Gesture system translated from the Italian.
– In puzzle where you have to slip out of the study by sliding the newspaper under the door and poking a pencil into the keyhole, the study is now in the mansion, not the middle of an erupting volcano.
– Murder simulator accurately trains player in methods of murder.
– COMBAT UPGRADE. Game no longer asks, “Did you win? Y/N.”
– John Walker detected correctly.
– Credit card password (“PASSWORD”) changed (“PASSWORD99”).
– Garry’s Mod conversion prevented.
– Banyan Tree fixed.
– Online currency pegged to pound sterling following unfortunate incident with rampant inflation, mass unemployment of labour class NPCs and HitLer777.
– Minimum spec raised to 486 33mhz.
– ENGINE UPGRADE. Now running on Fighting Fantasy Gamebook technology.
– SERVER UPGRADE. Supports whole population of world by force.
– Major new land added: the Infinite Silent Majesty of Space. Photonwright rumour has it that somewhere in a box somewhere in a cupboard somewhere in a house somewhere in a city somewhere on a continent somewhere on a planet somewhere in a galaxy is a valuable mouse.
– God Mode now supports an inclusive theosophy, concentrating more on a karmic, vivifying spirit imbuing the player with an intellectual illumination and mild, direct influence over the natural world rather than a monotheistic omnipotence.
– Player can move left consistently.