Terrible Things (to Hear in a Lift)

a Something item by J Nash (Monday November 23rd, 2009)

“Alone at last. Except for these other people, whom I shall now slay with a chisel.”

“Lowest floor, everyone out — for HELL! Hargle har har! No, but really, the building’s on fire.”

“Don’t worry folks, the dozen or so interlocking safety mechanisms make it practically impossible for this lift to crash into the cellar. However, we have been shot out of the building through the roof.”

“Thank you for calling the lift emergency telephone service. A representative will shortly take your call, as we are all busy because of frequent lift emergencies. Please enjoy this recording of emergency calls set to light music.”

“No, I’m not the cheeky bellboy lift operator, I’m a costumed maniac.”

“Wait a minute, these buttons are just painted on and these other passengers are inflatable decoys. And this isn’t a lift, it’s a big metal flask HELD BY AN ALIEN. Also, ironically I collect butterflies, or am in the cutthroat business of flasks somehow.”

“Going… in.”