The End

a B Page item by J Nash (Friday November 13th, 2009)

JN says...JN saysNB: The End is currently a bit wonky in Tiny view. Use Norm or Narrow instead.

For PC Gamer and an ideal excuse to demonstrate the sort of thing I inflicted on Art Eds, which doubled in density after I saw how Nat Lamp lavishly illustrated the simplest gags. The idea here is that the credits are on strips of film that are drying in a darkroom. This is the accompanying bit for PCG's Art Ed:

(Suggested page layout)THE END

It's a list of game credits, shown on a roll of camera film that's been cut up and hung to dry in a darkroom.

YOU WILL HAVE: this doc; suggested layout pic; HTML demo of fiddly formatting

YOU WILL NEED: unwound film from ordinary camera roll; scissors (not for photo, but to cut up film); clothes pegs; a darkroom (or a cupboard); a red lightbulb; length of washing line; background atmos (posters or photos)

REFERRING TO THE LAYOUT DIAG: (1) film strip A; (2) film strip B; (3) film strip C; (4) It's All Over... bit; (5) red bulb; (6) background bits

This doesn't in fact appear anywhere on the B Page, but may be handy for Contents.

The idea is that the credits (a plain list of jobs and names) are printed on a roll of camera film that's been cut into three strips. The easiest way it seems to me to do this is to whip out the film from a normal camera roll, chop it to size and hang them from the washing line, photograph the lot, then superimpose the credits in post-prod. (Er, those are supposed to be normal sprocket bits in the diag's strips, rather than snipped shapes or something.)

The washing line and camera strips, foreground, are in sharp focus. The lightbulb and darkroom, background, are severely blurred. Have something on the wall behind, a couple of posters or other photographs; we can't make them out through the blur, but the effect is this is a working darkroom.

Anything but covers of old PCGs.

The layout diagram is a bit of a fix to provide visual interest. The shot is close to the ceiling of the darkroom, looking slightly up, so we can see the red lightbulb, glowing, out of focus behind. The washing line is strung up at an acute angle, not straight across, so the planes of the room clash with the swipe of the cord; this accentuated by the haphazard way the strips are pegged up (plus the harsh focusing) (plus the way the background posters are carefully straight). Add the red-tinged darkness of the room as a whole and the effect is of a slightly disreputable photography op in that 1940s style of smoky urgency.

These aren't pegged tidily to the washing line; the atmos is that the photog has developed and stuck them up as fast as possible to let them drip-dry. Say, as in the layout diag, the left-hand strip is pegged nearly in its centre; the middle strip is pegged close to its top left corner; and the right-hand strip is off-centre again, its bottom edge amateurishly curled up. To avoid: any of the strips hanging straight down in boring columns.

The slightly tricky thing here as I recall from a previous B Page is that thin white text on a black background has a tendency to muddy. An answer might be to have black text on a white frame drawn post-prod over the black physical film. In other words, only the sprockety edges of the film would be as they originally appeared. This is the way I've lashed up the HTML demo, but if it is possible to have white text on black film, that would be preferable.

The credits run continuously from one strip to another (ie, it's one roll of film or, behind the scenes, three linked text columns).

If the text is a bit cramped, the B Page will also work with two film strips photographed a bit closer so they're helpfully wider. (Though hopefully they're a bit wider anyway than fumbled in the diag.) Perhaps both versions could be shot as a precaution. While you're at it, make the lightbulb yourself from sugar water, Pritt Stick and a safety pin using only your teeth. And get your hair cut.

This runs the full width of the bottom of the page, small letters widely spaced, stamped on the photo bit rather than in a neat separated box. If there's a font that looks like the info printing on the physical film itself (the best-by date or whatever all those numbers mean) that would be ace; otherwise try a supermarket price-gun typeface for the almost appropriate novelty. If supermarket price-gun, joggle the letters a bit so some are out of line.

NB: instead of the usual date style ("It's All Over Until... June 1st") pop in numbers ("It's All Over Until... 1/6").

(Plus another 566 words for the Prod Ed on the credit formatting, some bits about fonts and a reassurance that next month would need exactly no design at all: I tried to separate the elaborate B Pages with at least one and a half straightforward eps, because I'm lovely like that. It's purely a coincidence that for the whole of Series 2 I didn't go within 377 miles of the office.)


You have completed 56% of your mission

Game Directed By...Futility Spookbungle

Gripped By EA's Spreadsheet...Fennering Whaleby
Knows Rapper...JJ Nuisance
Founded Company With Donkey Kong Rip-Off...Sandra Quo
Really Quite Insistent That Murderable Pedestrian Bears Face Of Wife...Boston Dashpaste
Pointed To Top 20 Chart And Said, "Make It Like That"...Eablefive Cakeport
Currently Unaware Of Stockbroker's Actions...Aristide Mipsy, Jr
Foresightedly Registered Domain Name...Bagatelle Crump
Fiscally Eligible For Some Reason...Temerity Spookbungle

Accumulatively Distorted Textures...Kangarana Kangaree
Splinter Wrangler...Terence Cremations
Mistook The Punctuation Of Rock-Hard Hero But It's All A Bit Too Late Now...Harble Stintflask
Most Of The Legs...Frobisher Bap
Architecture That Nearly Joins Up...Redly Arrangement
Uncommonly Nauseating Plasticky Foreheads...Dr Sauntering Stabcosy
Rudders, Rifles, Richard, Rooftops, Rascal Raccoon, Readouts, Rome, Other Things Beginning With R...T State
Same Old Monsters...Nicola Weghk
Rather A Lot Of Fog...Enderhobe Mubb
Bonnets And Boots...Samuel Flexibly
Other Kind Of Bonnets And Boots...Ferris Miranda Ferris
Improper Musculature...LeHarbie Oof

Bolshoi Scholarship Winner Still Not Exactly Sure Which Life Decisions Led To Wearing Ping Pong Balls In Subsiding Cellar...Tenderbad Lewhillickers
Orc / Senior Boathook Assailant / Georgie Giraffe / Hammered Corpse / Man 3 / Woman 3 / Man 6...Ernie Quakes
Wizard / Riddling Beekeeper / Man 1-5, 7-19 (Many Man Scene) / Undependable Chef / Medikit...Denise Renimbulate
Dragon / Rosebush / Drawer / Two Aeroplanes / Padlocked Chest / Sweeping Contagion / Michelle / Indicative Flautist / Aquatic Hazards...Belinda Jjones
Clouds...T Lobe
Cancel Button...Aei O'Ewe
Shadows...L Cranston

Responsibility For Three Hours' Worth Of Uninterruptable Stiffly Animated Exposition Of Needless Frequency...Apparently Disclaimed By Everybody

Conspicuously Less Skilled In Narrative Than Scriptwriters Of Pornography...Quam Punchbus
J Nash
Degerfike de Nom de Nom
Wretched Comedy...Bib Tarangue
Engineer Too In Awe Of Presence Of Famous People In Cubicle To Get Them To Do Their Job Properly...Stepper McRagepen
Casting Director Transparently Ignorant Of Asymmetry Between Film And Voiceover Acting...Phaeglass Crowdrop
Inattentive Cheque Signatory...Stick Kafaffal
Noël Coward...Dolph Lundgren
Sassy Latina...Judi Dench
King...Queen Latifah
Queen...BB King
Wry, Sophisticated English Villain...Gabby Hayes
Man Appealing Tithe...Simon Boo
"Aieee!"...Arnold Schwarzenegger
Opprobrious Alien...Christoper Bistopher
Ungentleman Thief...Wimbledon Fortnight
Silhouette Which Arrives...Patricia Ninthly
Navvy's Faulty Premise...Wilfred Chapdanger
Discredited Tinsmith...Miss Dwindling Dwelling
Girdling Floury Fishwife (Blubbing Artisan Flashback)...Agaton Biff
"But - Oogh!"...Julia Roberts
Correspondence Course Correspondents...ZL Toberless
Pif Benjamint
Ebberdine Quap
Elo Sayer
Tempestuous Beadle...B Voffle
Uncallipered Safecracker...Dackerbury Ladle
"Fling Them In The Evap-o-Chamber!"...Greta Garbo
False Custard Expert...Scullery Tipslang
Minister For Pugilism...Sir Reginald Ddd
Source Of Saucy Sorcery...Claspban Wayoliver
"Yes" / "No" / "Yes. No, Hang On - No"...Sean Connery
Commissar Giving Gyp...Marina Candlefright
Obligatory Eerie Child...Bammery O'Tickle
"A Handgun?"...Dame Edith Evans

Increasingly Worried He's Actually Licensed University Tribute Bands...Desmond Frilly
Rapid Closure Of Squeaky Door...Tom Cruise
All Other Noises...Now That's What I Call Enervatingly Familiar Sound Effects Vol 19: Computer Games

Chief Designer...A Idiot
Hotly Sought Author Of HMRDOHSND.WAD...Frim de Bubblesand
Played GTA3 For Ten Minutes Once...Vernon Sahh
Tragically Misinformed Of Ability...Pixie Paignton
Undetected Sierra Fan...Backery Calay
Traced Map Of Exmouth...L Fnews
Mission Ruining...S Bangle
Object Isolating...K Prome
Character Thickening...W Thistle
Road Awkwarding...Captain FOL Daniels
Forgot To Put That Crown In...Spalekite McGee
Bit Requiring Gun Obtained In Wrong Level...Illeana Hymns
Swamp Maze...C Tintin
Citadel Maze...R Chhh
Mountainside Maze (West)...Zap Manly
Mountaintop Maze...N Sewud
Mountainside Maze (East)...Wamlahew Greff
Maze Leading To Mountain...Colin Shoe
Mountainous Area Mazes Map Shop Maze...M O'Mome
Climactically Desperate Siege-Defying Fifth Legion Flanking Attack Maze...S Verb
Gloomy Space Station...Andrew Pandy
Heroine's Clearly Unaffordable City Central Flat...Foal Reedwink
Another Train...Nabberlithe Beamposture
Neglected To Read Small Print (Terraformed Jupiter Section)...Bernice Robtiny
Playtesters...J Deacon
A Willetts
H Keller (Pinball Section)
T Walker (Inspirational Lecture Tour Section)

Support Staff...EXX's Mum
Random Traffic...Krakatoa Sid
Random Battles...Yvette Pitfinery
Random Weather...Graeme Foxclocking
Random Crashes...H Hopepopnia
Camera System...Epileptic Ned

Central Server Advocacy...Erehias Papple
Champion Of Constant Voice Chat...Nidstin Vofemulay
Heartily Endorsed Complete Freedom Of Interaction Between All Players...Jim Colossal
Introduced /assembler...Bob Widths
Generally No Student Of History...Um Deebrilb
ROT-13 Credit Card Encryption...Tom Blanket
Hastily Rummaging For Receipt...Lionel Stander

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